Your Life Impact

This past week we experienced what can only be referred to as a shocking turn of events. In the span of two days, we lost three icons of the entertainment world - Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. Most of us knew about Farrah's battle against the disease of cancer, and how she fought so courageously to defeat it. And to some extent, the tragic death of Ed McMahon can be understood on some level. He was 86 years old and had battled many health ailments over the last few years, and those were almost certainly exacerbated by the continuing stress he was experiencing with the decline of his personal finances. And then the news about Michael Jackson came across the wires, and the nation - and the world, really - was in a collective state of shock.

When we experience the loss of someone close to us, the grief can be overwhelming and it can trigger multiple emotions on a variety of levels - the effects of which can be profound. But there is also something that happens to us collectively when we experience the loss of someone we came to know maybe not on a personal level, but certainly through our interactions with them or their characters or their persona on the larger stage of life. We tend to see them in many ways as impenetrable, maybe even in some strange way as being above the fate that awaits all of us. Without being morose, the inescapable fact is that we will all die someday. It's just shocking to us when someone "like that" dies.

Over the past week, much has been written and said about these three giants of entertainment. Some of it not so kind, much of it speculative and maybe even judgmental. Today I am going to choose to view this from a different perspective. I believe that these peoples' lives are to be celebrated, if for nothing else than the tremendous impact they had on the lives of millions of us around the world. These three people were much more than the way that most of us saw them - as entertainers. Certainly that was one part of their persona, but they like us, existed on multiple levels and had many facets to their lives. They were much more than simply celebrities. They were a part of our lives in some small way.

They were somebody's children; they were parent, spouse, friend, philanthropist, actor, actress, singer, songwriter, dancer... and the list goes on. It's important to remember that there was more to them than the way they were presented to us in the media and on stage. They were human beings.

And what these three human beings did with their lives was nothing short of extraordinary. They touched the lives of millions of people around the world through the use of their gifts and talents. They brought laughter, joy, the gift of music and dancing, comedy and drama to millions of admirers and fans. The reactions to their deaths the world over is proof enough of that.

It serves to drive home a very relevant point to all of this. You too, are having an impact on the lives of the people and the world around you. It may not be on the same level of the three people we mourn today, but does it really have to be in order to be celebrated? Absolutely not.

Think about all the people you come in contact with every day. It could be a spouse, children, friends, coworkers, community, etc. When you interact with them, in whatever fashion, it creates an impact. The quality of that experience and its impact is entirely up to you to determine through the way you show up for those people.

You also have many facets to your life and your persona. You are son or daughter, spouse, parent, friend, coworker, coach, preacher, and many other possibilities. How you choose to be when functioning in any of those roles will create a lasting impression on the people in your life. And you can't downplay the significance of that fact. You may not be on a stage, a movie screen, or TV, but that makes what you do even more important. This is real life. This is what you and the people in your life will remember when all is said and done. Because in the end, we don't lie on our death beds saying "That (TV show, or movie, or song, or star) had such an impact on my life." No, in the end it is much more real than that.

What impact will you choose to have as you go forward in your life? The choice is entirely up to you.

The Inner Critic

We all have it – that little voice inside our heads. You know the one. It’s that voice that tells you all the things can’t do. It’s the voice that stops you from moving forward or going for some goal in your life that you are passionate about. It’s the voice that threatens to keep you boxed in, stagnant, or living in fear of what is “out there” if you should dare to venture out. It’s a voice I’ve come to know all too well in my own life.

How many times in your life have you had your sights set on some goal – be it a promotion, a new relationship, a new career, going back to school, or some other objective – and then just as you find yourself ready to take action you freeze. What if I can’t do this? What if I get fired? What if I lose my house, car, etc. because I can’t earn enough money? What if this person doesn’t love me? What if I’m not good enough? Sometimes they are not in the form of questions, but rather in that damning voice that tells you straight out that you’re not enough.

Unless you are aware of where these questions or statements are coming from, you may think it’s the voice of reason in your own head. It’s there to protect you from getting hurt or from overextending yourself. But the truth of the matter is that the voice in your head is nothing more than your own personal saboteur. By all outward appearances it is there to protect you. But it’s real mission is much more sinister.

The inner critic is there to keep you right where you are. It’s there to maintain the status quo, keep things right here because this is the place we know. And even though this place may not be comfortable, might not be where you want to be – hell, it may not even be safe – that voice tells you that you have no idea what is out there should you make a change.

And that’s not the only place it comes out. What happens when you make a mistake? Do you hear a litany of condemning remarks in your head? If you’re like most people, the answer is a resounding “Yes!” And here’s the part that is most puzzling – the things you tell yourself in your own head are typically things you would never let another person say to you!

What is that all about? Moreover, what can you do to silence that inner critic? Well, there is good news and bad news. First, the bad news – you can’t entirely silence it. That inner critic is always there, the saboteur waiting in the wings for you to make a mistake or to do something to change the status quo.

The good news is that you don’t have to listen to it. At least, not in the way that you may have been for so many years. You have options. One of your first and most effective weapons against this insidious voice is to be aware of it. That’s right, you have to recognize it when it rears its ugly, horned, vile head. What does that do? First of all it gives you some power over it. If you can become more conscious to the presence of the saboteur, it can help to ease the intensity of the attacks when they do come.

Another strategy that helps is to know the truth. What does that mean? There is objective data that has been collected all throughout your life of who you are, what you are capable of, your strengths, talents, and accomplishments. Make a list of all the things you’ve accomplished, your successes, and all the strengths that helped you achieve those things. If you’re really such a loser, as the saboteur would have you believe, how could you have done all the things you’ve done in your life?

Next, learn how to “tweak” the language of your inner critic. When it tells you that you’ve just failed miserably on a task that didn’t go well, then change that to “Things definitely didn’t go as planned here, but I sure did learn a lot.” That may sound like playing with semantics, and on some level it is. But think about it this way. Your brain is an amazing supercomputer, and just like any other computer it functions only when there is input. The quality of that input will be a huge determinant in the quality of the output. Change your language, and you are literally changing the programming that is going into your brain. Now that is power!

Finally, it’s important to understand that this saboteur only has as much power and control over you as you choose to give it. That doesn’t mean that you should get into a battle with it, however. The inner critic knows you, knows your weaknesses and access points – it is you, after all – so that is worthless as a strategy. Rather, the way to deal more effectively with it is to ask yourself a couple of questions. What do I know to be true about (this situation, about me, about my talents)? How can I use what this inner critic is telling me to learn from this outcome? Is this even something worth being upset or angry about?

Questions such as these can change your perspective and your focus from what your inner critic is telling you that you did wrong to creative ways to learn and grow from the experience. Your ability to elevate your thoughts from that place of self-condemnation to a place of self-discovery can be incredibly liberating and can alleviate stress from your life in profound ways. The key to this, like anything else, is to practice. Know that the inner critic will be there, and work on your strategies for dealing with it. The more you play with your options, the better you will become at taking back control of your conscious thoughts, and limiting the effects of the inner critic. It is, after all, about the choices you make.

Automatic or Manual?

What do you think of when you see this question above? Do you think of a car, and view it from the perspective of whether you want an automatic or a manual transmission? If so, then what are the reasons you would want one or the other? Some people love the ability to really control their car – deciding when to shift, how fast to go in each gear before moving up to the next, hearing the hum of the engine and maybe waiting until it builds to a crescendo before shifting. They love the freedom of being able to upshift or downshift as the situation requires, literally feeling as though they are one with the car as it winds its way to its destination.

For others, they prefer the predictability of the automatic transmission. They know that as they pick up speed, the car will automatically sense the strain on the engine and will adjust the gears accordingly. No work to it – they don’t even have to think about it. Let the car do what it does best, and I can just control the speed and direction.

What about your life? Have you ever considered whether you are in automatic or manual mode in your own life? It may sound funny, but think about it for a minute. I’ll bet if you spend a few minutes thinking about some of the common, recurring events in your life, and your responses to those events, you may discover that you are indeed in automatic mode. You react the same way to the same stimulus every time, without deviation.

Sounds a bit like giving up control of our own lives, doesn’t it? And yet so many do just that on a continuous basis. In effect we give up control of our responses to situations and literally react automatically, as we have done in the past, living from our history and experiences with these situations without even considering for a moment whether our response is appropriate, resourceful, or even representative of who we are.

So what can we do to reclaim control of our lives? Well, the first thing we must do is to be aware. How often have you reacted to a situation and then almost immediately afterward ask yourself “What was that about?” or “Why did I react like that?” You know intrinsically that your reaction was not the best one. The key is to be aware before we respond!

The only way we can do that is to be “in the moment.” For many, this is as foreign to them as speaking Chinese or Latin. We are so focused as a society on the next thing, the next meeting, the next event, that we fail to recognize what is right in front of us or what is happening at this moment. (Are you actually taking in these words as you read this or are you thinking about the next email you have to read, or the next chore you have to do?)

We are constantly looking to what’s next, what we have to do. The truth is there is always more to do! I often have this conversation with my coaching clients. The truth of the matter is that we are called “human beings” not “human doings.” There is a gift in the ability to just be present to what’s here with us at any given moment. Now, I am not saying that you can’t or won’t or shouldn’t think about other important or pressing matters, but if all you ever do is think of what’s coming next you will certainly miss what is right in front of you!

So, how can you learn to be present? Well, just like exercising any other muscle, it takes effort and discipline and focus. But, also like exercising any other muscle, in time it becomes stronger, more developed, and more “automatic,” if you will. Start with something simple. Go to the park. Sit and watch. What’s here? Are there children playing and laughing? You don’t see them on the swing saying to their friend “You know, Johnny, this is fun, but I really must be getting on to my play date with Jack. Besides, we’re going to play Nintendo and I’ve got that big presentation to give at preschool tomorrow.” Now, that may be a bit absurd, but it does make the point.

Just watch. Listen to the birds singing. What other sounds do you notice? Are there dogs playing in the grass? See how much fun they’re having. They are unconcerned with anything other than what’s right in front of them. Simply notice, take everything in without judgment, or wondering why, or even without thinking. Just feel and allow yourself to be open to whatever is there.

This is what it is to be truly in the moment. When we open ourselves to the wonder of the present, it can be surprising! We suddenly notice things that we may have taken for granted, only because we had never taken the time to really pay attention. We experience our lives on a much deeper level. We give ourselves permission to live purposefully. And we go from automatic to manual.

Fear or Faith?

It’s very popular today to latch onto the notion that life is nothing but a struggle, times are beyond tough, and there is no hope in sight. Just watch the nightly news or read the papers and you’ll see the signs everywhere. Massive job losses. Rising foreclosures. Companies going out of business. Banks failing. We are being bombarded with these images of doom and gloom and there is seemingly no hope and no escape.

But what is true? I certainly do not mean to minimize in any way the real pain and struggle that is out there today. People are having to do more with less and learn to live in ways that just a few months ago would have seemed otherworldly and completely unrealistic. Times are indeed very tough for many of us.

But is that really all there is? Aren’t there any signs that things can and will get better? Is there nothing good or positive happening out there today? It depends on what you choose to focus on. That’s right – the notion of whether things will ever improve is very much dependent on what we choose to consciously pay attention to and give power over our conscious thoughts.

There is a great truth that you cannot get what you really want if all you ever think about is what you don’t want. It’s critically important to remember that we get whatever it is that we focus on in life. So, if all you ever think about is what you don’t want… guess what you are creating in your life?

The human brain is an amazing and powerful super-computer. It is far more advanced than anything science can devise. And yet, there are some things about our brains that seem almost counterintuitive. For example, were you aware that the human brain at its core does not know the difference between a highly detailed and descriptive thought or fantasy and reality? It’s true.

And beyond that, here is the real kicker – whatever the mind sees as being “true”, it will do everything it can to create that same picture in reality. Wow, that can seem like a very foreign concept to many people. But the fact remains that it has been proven out in multiple studies performed on many of society’s highest achievers. They link much of their ability to achieve success to their focus on highly detailed and well thought out goals, plans, or even dreams. They “see” it in their minds as already having been achieved, and then they work to make it reality.

Don’t get me wrong here. I am not saying that you can just “think away” your challenges or troubles. But what I am saying is that you have the ultimate control over where you go from here. That is, if you have the determination, clarity, and focus to create a compelling, detailed, and very specific picture of what you want.

For example, if you want a new car, do you just think to yourself “Hmm, I think I’d like a new car. I’ll go visit my local dealer and buy one.”? Or do you think, “I want a Honda Accord LX, with tan leather interior, navigation system, 6 disc CD changer, chrome wheels, sunroof, … etc.” Do you see the difference in the quality of those two scenarios? Both may end up getting you a new car, but only one will get you the car that you really want. Clarity provides power.

The point of all this is nothing more than to help you realize that in the journey of your life, you truly have the control to get you where you want to go. The key is in your ability to decide with complete clarity what it is that you want, create that compelling vision in your mind, be specific and detailed, see it as already having been achieved, and then create the steps to bring it to reality.

I guess you could say in the end that it’s really a matter of faith. The choice is yours. Which do you want to live in – fear or faith?

What’s Holding You Back?

Not long ago, I went through an exercise that was for me nothing short of excruciating. For anyone who is a “collector” of items from your past, this may resonate with you more than others. For those of you who are not collectors, well, read on anyway because there may still be learning in this message.

I had decided at some point in time – I’m not really sure what brought this on – that it was time for me to go through some of the “clutter” in my life. You know, those things that are hanging around and taking up space for no apparent reason other than the fact that I hadn’t taken the time to look through them and throw some things away. Make space. I knew it was time, so let’s have at it!

I pulled out the boxes, many of them having lain undisturbed for several years. I carefully brushed off the dust that had collected on them and opened them to survey their precious contents. To the casual observer, most of what I saw would be considered nothing more than so much junk. But to me, these were the treasures of my past. These “things” were at first glance as inseparable from me as my own heart.

Then, as I looked at all these items that I had collected over the years, something began to happen. One by one, I began to take these various objects out, holding them up to the light, and as I did I was almost magically transported back to the moment in time when I had first received them. The memories began to flood back, rapid fire, automatic, seemingly uncontrollable on my part.

I felt things I hadn’t felt in years, remembering events as clearly as if they had just happened yesterday. I could literally touch these memories, feel the same feelings, see the same sights, and even smell the same fragrances. What was going on? Aren’t these just things? How is it possible that after all these years I can reconnect so powerfully with people, places, and events that I had not thought of in some cases for decades?

Our minds are incredibly complex, mystifyingly beautiful, and altogether irritating. To those familiar with the way our minds work, you know what was happening. These things that had sat dormant, locked in boxes like so many discarded memories, are anything but that. They are anchors. My mind had created a powerful connection to these items at the time that I had received them, so much so that all it took was for me to take them out, look at them, hold them and instantly I was transported back to those moments in my life.

The connections were still there, many as strong as ever. Some, painfully so. I realized as I continued to work my way through this collection of oddities and mementos, that some of the memories associated with them were not so pleasant. At one point, I felt the warm trail of a tear tracing its way down my cheek, as I seemed to become immersed in a particularly painful memory. The salty taste of that tear on my tongue left me with a sadness that I had not connected with for many years.

I looked at old pictures of friends now either gone from this earth, or at least gone from my life. I recalled the parties, concerts, and other events that we engaged in with a mixture of both joy and sadness. Joy for the wonderful people I have been blessed with in my life, and sadness for those who are gone or for those with whom I have lost touch for one reason or another.

Just the mere thought of discarding any of these precious treasures was foreign to me. It would be like cutting out a piece of my own heart, disposing of those memories and those people as though none of it had ever happened. Then I began to wonder, am I collecting these things or are they collecting me?

What was I holding on to so tightly that I couldn’t let go? And more importantly, how did some of these things serve me in my life today? Are they relevant any more? I know that all of those events, good bad or otherwise, had shaped who I am today in some fashion or another. But why was I holding on so fiercely to the past? Is that who I am today?

The answer of course is a resounding “NO.” I am not my past. As I recalled the pain and anguish of some of those memories, I realized that I am in many ways tied inextricably to those events. They have a place in my memory, and in my heart. But they are not ME, not who I am today.

What are you holding on to so tightly that you can’t break free? Maybe you are stuck in that mindset of working for a paycheck, rather than doing what inspires you and fulfills you. Maybe you have given up on your dreams of becoming whatever it was that you told yourself you would be “when you grow up.” Or you could be telling yourself “I’ll be happy when…” – when the kids grow up, when your job magically becomes more fulfilling, when you get out of debt – it could be anything. How does that serve you as you strive to live a fulfilling and resonant life? What is your justification for surviving rather than truly living?

You only have one life. That much is certain. You have memories, history, and events from your past that have shaped your life. But make no mistake; those things are not who you are. Let go of the past, of the self-limiting beliefs that have not served you in your quest to become the best possible you. Embrace the possibilities of today, and the promise of tomorrow, and do not remain anchored to the past.

What’s holding you back?

The Art of Optimism

I am always amazed at the willingness of people to abandon their optimism based on what others tell them is or isn’t happening in our world. That is certainly not denying the existence of real pain in our world – it’s in our faces every day now. The economy is failing, jobs are being lost at record-breaking levels and with a speed we have not seen before, homes are in foreclosure, and people are losing hope.

But I am also wondering what the truth is about us… Who are we, and what are we capable of in these most trying times? This is not the first time our country has struggled with difficult times. We, as a nation, have always dug deep and pulled together to regroup, rebuild, and overcome.

How resourceful are you when you give up hope? I’m curious about how optimism, or the lack thereof, impacts the lives and decisions of the people we know – and us. The art of optimism is not to be discounted. Art, you say? Absolutely. It’s about designing your life in a way that brings you closer to your best. It’s about being aware of your thoughts and not giving up your power to choose.

What will you do today to raise your level of awareness of how you are choosing to react to the world around you? It’s true that the only meaning any event has is that which you assign to it. That gives you all the power to choose, to decide how you will show up and how your world will look. It doesn’t discount or ignore that things are not as good as they can be. What it does is gives you a more resourceful place to plan from. The key is the choices that you make; those you make today and every day.

What is your perspective?

This is from an e-Newsletter published on 2/13/09

This past week was one of stark contrasts for me. Last Thursday a dear friend of mine lost his long battle with cancer, succumbing to the effects of this ravaging disease. Then, on Sunday afternoon my oldest daughter gave birth to her first child – my first grandchild! I know it’s a cliché to speak of the circle of life in situations like this, but these two events – on opposite ends of the spectrum – gave me cause to stop and take inventory of my own life and my own perspectives.

I could tell you all the things about him that most people would ask about my friend – where he went to school, what he did for a living, where he grew up, and so on. But are those things the measure of a life well lived? Not from my perspective.

As I reflected on the life of my friend I remembered him to be kind, funny, warm and endearing, and a gifted conversationalist. He was the kind of man who made anyone with him feel as though they were special and that what they had to say was important. Now I will also say that he had a biting and sarcastic sense of humor, but that was reserved for those whom he knew could “take it” and would not be offended; as it certainly was never his intention to offend. I can remember many times walking past his office and just popping my head in to say hello, and then 30 minutes later wondering where the time had gone! That was his gift, and he relished sharing it.

Some see death as an end. It is a time of sorrow and loss. It is a time to weep and to mourn the life that has left us. We are diminished by this person’s absence, and our lives will never be the same. Others see death as a beginning. They are in a better place, where there is no suffering, no pain, and no sorrow. We are more because this person was a part of our lives. It all depends on your perspective.

I wondered to myself how I would be remembered by those whose lives I have touched. I think it only natural to reflect on our own life as we remember those who have gone before us. Did I reach out to others in their time of need? Was I a good husband and father? What about a good friend? Did I show kindness and compassion to children – especially my own? Was I the man my mother hoped I would grow to be? Will it even matter that I was ever here on this earth?

Later that weekend, as I held my precious grandson in my arms for the first time, I again was flooded with thoughts about my life. What kind of grandfather will I be? Will he look up to me? How can I share all that I’ve learned with him as he grows from baby to boy to a man? Will I even see all of that? Nothing is certain.

Then it occurred to me. Nothing matters more than this moment. As I held this perfect little life in my arms, searching his tiny face, admiring every minute detail, I felt the incredible love welling up inside of me, and I knew that nothing could make that moment any better. His life will unfold as it is meant to, and my thinking ahead and wishing will not change any of that. I will certainly play a role in his life, but what that role is will be determined in time.

What will you do today to make sure that you are living the life you were meant to live – the life you are capable of? How will you live so that you honor the person that you are? Your life is filled with endless choices and possibilities; from what to eat for breakfast to what movie to see this weekend to whether or not to refinance your home mortgage. Life is a series of endless choices, and all of them are yours to make.

What will you do with those choices as you seek to live a life that matters? The choice is yours. If it’s true that nothing in life is guaranteed, then we owe it to ourselves to make every moment count. We all have our own definition of what it means to live a good life, a strong life, a life that matters. So, what’s your perspective?