Making a Difference

Most, if not all of us, want to make a difference in this world. We want to have a positive impact on the lives of others, and we want to leave a legacy – some evidence that we were here and that we mattered. That’s one of the most compelling reasons that I chose to become a Life Coach. I know the difference I am making in the lives of others. I get to write these newsletters every month and touch the lives of people in meaningful ways – many of whom I have never even met. My clients, whether corporate or individual, all are being affected in measurable ways by the work we’re doing together. It’s one of the sustaining factors in keeping me focused and moving forward despite any challenges I may face. I have a very powerful “why” – that internal motivating force that gets me out of bed every day to do the work I get to do.

I am blessed to know many people who are doing the same in their own way. They’re out there in the world making a difference, doing something to make this world a better place for others, leaving a lasting legacy. Today I want to tell you about one of those people. She is a living example of how we can all make a difference if we just choose to stand up, speak up, and give a voice to those who would not otherwise be heard – by anyone.

I first met Keli Wilson at my church. She is a striking woman – tall, thin, and blonde, with girl-next-door good looks. But that is not at all what makes her special. No, if those things are all you notice about her, then you have missed the very best aspects of who Keli Wilson is.

By almost any measure, Keli and her husband, Robert, have lived what could be called a charmed life. He is a successful entrepreneur, and she holds a dual bachelor’s degree in Pre-Medicine and Biology from the University of Nevada, Reno. They have three healthy, amazing children. What else could she possibly want or need in life?

That was exactly the question Keli found herself asking a few years ago. Is this all there is? What is my impact, and how can I make a real difference in the world? She certainly knew that she was blessed, and was living a life that many could only dream of. But there was more to her than meets the eye, and she was not satisfied with merely living this life she was given. No, Keli Wilson had a need, and inner drive, to make a difference.

While on an airplane in January 2008, she saw a 3-minute video that, as she puts it, “Changed my life.” It was a piece on 60 Minutes about an innovative new product that had the potential to save malnourished children all over the world. This amazing nutritional product had a very funny name – Plumpy’nut.

It was developed by two doctors who had watched many children suffer and die of malnutrition in hospitals in the poorest parts of Africa. At that time, they had only one option: to give them a soy- or milk-based product. The children were not responding very well to that treatment, and the recovery rate was low – less than 25%. They knew that something had to be done. One of the doctors was inspired by Nutella, the Italian hazelnut spread. Together, the two worked in a kitchen with a multitude of ingredients and a blender to come up with something innovative and effective, and Plumpy'nut was born.

Plumpy'nut is made from peanut paste, milk powder, vitamins and minerals and is jam-packed with protein and calories. It comes in a foil packet, has a two-year shelf life, requires no water (a huge benefit), and a child can take it home and even feed himself. Before this, children would have to be hospitalized, and their mothers would have to be away from their homes, unable to take care of the rest of the children and the family farm.

Keli saw this amazing video and the groundbreaking work these doctors were doing, and she knew instantly that she had to be part of it. This was going to be her way of making a difference in the world. She would help give a voice to the millions of starving children around the world, and would work tirelessly to see that they have the opportunity to receive the most basic nutrition and thereby have a chance to live and grow and reach their potential in life.

The most startling discovery that Keli made when she looked more closely at the issue of worldwide hunger is that the group most affected by this “silent tsunami” is the age group of children 5 and under. The first five years of life are critical in the overall development of a child. If they are malnourished, they will not have proper brain development, growth will be stunted, and their immune system will be compromised. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that hunger and malnutrition contribute to more than 5 million deaths each year (some estimates are as high as 15 million) of children under the age of five.

As a result of these startling statistics, and the immense human toll, Keli and her husband formed a non-profit, non-governmental, humanitarian organization called The Hand of Hope International. Their sole purpose is to bring hope and inspiration to the multitudes of starving children around the world by providing them with food, shelter, education, and disaster relief. Now that is a huge “why.”

As Keli says so beautifully, “Saving the life of a child is not about charity, it is about justice.” Many of us are parents. And we live in a country that is rich beyond measure compared to most of the rest of the world. However, many Americans tend to take this fact for granted. Think about how it would feel to know that your children stand a better chance of dying before the age of five than of living to see their adult years. That is a thought that haunts Keli and Robert Wilson when they think of all the children around the world who go to bed hungry every night, with little hope of remedying that fact on their own.

Of course, there is also hunger and starvation in this great nation of ours – a fact that does not go unnoticed by Keli and HHI. They do plan to work in the United States to help stem the tide of hunger, as there are no boundaries on who they intend to assist. However, at this time they are focused on helping the poorest of the poor, the sickest of the sick. Her philosophy is simple, “Where you live shouldn’t determine whether you live.”

One of the most unexpected findings I made while doing research and talking with Keli for this newsletter is just how little it costs to make a major impact in the life of a child. A mere $15 can save a child from starvation by purchasing a supply of Plumpy’nut that will give them 2-3 treatments a day for 6-8 weeks. I think you will all agree that it’s an amazingly small price to pay when it comes to saving lives.

Keli spends much of her time promoting the organization as well as seeking corporate and foundation partnerships to complement the individual donations they receive. One of the most amazing aspects of HHI is that there are absolutely NO administrative costs. All money collected goes directly to the cause. In a world where we see more dollars going into running the organization than to reaching the actual people who need help, HHI is a breath of fresh air and a model for how to truly serve others.

Most of us have seen the videos of starving children around the world, we know the pain and suffering of these most vulnerable and poor, and we are certainly moved by those stark images. But how many of us have found the courage, desire, and deep love for our fellow man that it takes to actually stand up and do something? As Martin Luther King, Jr. said so eloquently, “Life’s most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?”

Keli Wilson is a wife, a mother, a leader, a servant, a person making a difference in a world that all too often focuses solely on the question of “What’s in it for me?” She sets a high standard of how we are all called to serve each other.

How will you make a difference in the world? It doesn’t have to be big and bold and worldwide. It can be in your own state, your own community, your own church or business, and especially in your own family. All it takes is a big enough “why” and the courage to take a stand.

If you would like to make a donation or learn more about The Hand of Hope International and their cause in bringing basic nutrition to starving children around the world, please visit their website at www.thehandofhopeinternational.org.

How Beliefs Shape Your World

One of the most rewarding things I get to do as a life coach is to ask powerful questions that get people to look deep inside at many of their patterns, values, and beliefs. I will ask them to find the evidence in their lives to support some belief, especially when it’s one that does not serve them. If there is no evidence to support it, then the belief must change. It’s tremendously gratifying to see someone let go of a previously held self-limiting belief that has been preventing them from moving forward and living to their full potential.

However, sometimes someone comes along who will, through nothing more than their unbridled passion for life and unwavering faith in a world of possibilities, get us to shift our own beliefs about what’s possible merely from their own presence. They are an inspiration. For me, that someone happens to be my niece and Goddaughter, Danielle.

Danielle Ciccotti was born on May 27, 1994, to my brother Dan and his wife Stephani. By all initial accounts everything was fine. She was a beautiful little girl with a bright red head of hair, and her parents and older sister, Angella, could not have been happier.

But soon after they took her home, they began to notice little things that just didn’t seem right. They noticed that she was having a hard time holding her head steady, and at four months they noticed that her eyes were severely crossed. They took her to the doctor, and were told that because of her crossed eyes, she was having difficulty with balance and fine motor skills. She would need surgery to repair her eyes.

A close friend of theirs, who also happens to be the wife of a doctor, told them the very first time that she held Danielle, “There’s something wrong with this baby.” They said they knew, and that once her eyes were fixed, everything would be fine. But she was not convinced. And her words would continue to drive them over the next several months to seek more medical advice.

The first time I met this wonder of life and love, she was still just a baby. I had flown to Connecticut to take part in her baptism, and was thrilled to meet this new addition to our family. I noticed immediately that, even at 6 months old, she could not hold her head up, and her eyes were still very crossed. Dan And Stephani would alternate patches over each eye, at the direction of the doctors, in order to strengthen them independently of each other. When holding her, great care had to be taken to support her head and neck, as she was very much like a little ragdoll in my arms, and I didn’t want her to injure her neck from the drastic movements of her head as she struggled to hold it up.

She was, however, one of the happiest babies I can remember seeing. Even then she had a spark. It was obvious that she loved to be held and talked to. She was a real sweetheart, and holding her in your arms, it was impossible to not fall immediately in love with her.

Over the course of the next several months, they took her from doctor to doctor, desperate to find out exactly what the root cause of the problem was. She had her eyes surgically repaired, yet she was still unable to control her movements and missed milestone after milestone in her development.

Finally, after much searching, they ended up at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, MD, where they were able to diagnose the issue. The diagnosis was Ataxia, a debilitating affliction marked by gross lack of coordination of muscle movements. It was due to a “severely underdeveloped” cerebellum according to the doctors. The news hit them like a heavyweight body blow. They were told that Danielle would never walk, never talk, and never be capable of living an independent life. But, if you know my sister-in-law, you would know that she would never accept that description of her baby girl’s fate.

Over the next few years as Danielle grew, she was loved, nurtured, and supported through incalculable physical and emotional challenges and at times seemingly torturous physical therapy to strengthen her muscles and improve coordination as much as possible. She learned sign language since speech is controlled by fine motor skills, and hers were severely impaired by the ataxia. And through all this, Danielle displayed the type of courage and determination that seems typically reserved for those brave few who face their challenges undaunted, certain that regardless of the obstacles that they would indeed triumph over their circumstances.

She refused to give in, and she eventually learned to speak – albeit in a manner that requires the listener to focus closely on her words as she painstakingly pushes through the challenge to communicate. Sometimes, when necessary her mom or dad or sister will act as translator. It’s a small price to pay for the joy of hearing her speak. If they are not around, then Danielle will write it down so the listener can understand fully.

When she was eight years old, she asked her mother if she would ever walk. Stephani agonized over what her answer would be. “What could I tell this amazing and beautiful little girl?” So, she did the only thing her heart would allow her to do. She looked her in the eyes and said with all the courage and conviction she could muster, “Of course you’ll walk.”

Danielle asked, “How do you know?”

To which Stephani replied, “Because I’m your mama, and I know!”

Danielle was determined to walk, and in 2001 she was blessed by receiving a “balance dog” named, appropriately enough, Walker. Walker was like a gift from God. She gave Danielle the ability to walk on her own, without crutches or braces, by using special harness and leaning on her for much-needed balance. Over the next 8 years, the two would become inseparable. Wherever you saw Danielle, there was her trusted best friend, Walker. Eventually over time, Danielle’s legs strengthened, and her coordination showed improvement. At her Eighth Grade Graduation ceremony, Danielle would defy the odds and walk unassisted across the stage to receive her diploma. The roars of the crowd were deafening, and none were more raucous than those of her loving family.

She continues to defy the odds, and at 15 years old she now attends high school – with eight buildings and 3,000 students – something that seemed impossible just a few short years ago. She is also a Special Olympian, and competes in bowling, cycling, sailing, and skiing; and she is a Global Messenger for Special Olympics, representing the organization at events from golf tournaments to fundraisers. She has even given speeches in front of crowds of as many as 300 people! She acknowledges that her biggest hurdle is overcoming her own challenges and fears.

And yet, that is exactly what she continues to do every day of her life. This past August, she endured what seems to be her most difficult challenge to date. Her beloved Walker, her constant companion of eight years, had to be put down. She had reached that part of her life where she was no longer able to live pain-free, and her own physical challenges now trumped those of her adoring Danielle.

She endures daily trials without her Walker, and she struggles to maintain her daily schedule. She says she falls a lot, and the amount of energy she must exert just to get from one class to the next is incalculable. It leaves her exhausted and at times hinders her ability to focus in class and learn all that she wants to learn.

And still, she will not give up! She pushes through every challenge – and they are many – with the courage and determination of a warrior, unwavering in her commitment to get through it. She believes in herself, and her ability to overcome her obstacles. And those beliefs – at first supported by nothing more than her faith – now have a lifetime of supporting evidence. Her belief in her ability to triumph over her circumstances is well documented. Her spirit is indomitable.

We often use the word “hero” a little too loosely at times. We use it for real-life heroes like Sully Sullenberger, who saved a plane full of people from certain death. We use it to describe the men and women of our military who face death every day in their fight to defend our country. And here, in Preston, CT, we use it to describe the courage of a little girl that most people will never have the joy of meeting. Danielle Ciccotti is a hero. Hell, she is MY hero! And we all have a lot to learn from the way this incredible girl uses her beliefs to shape her world.

What do YOU believe?

Are you looking to challenge some long-held beliefs in your life? Maybe you’d like to make some changes or find out what’s next for you. If so, then give me a call today at 775-750-4008. Let’s talk about all the exciting ways that coaching can help you to create an extraordinary life. Not sure? I offer free half-hour sample sessions, so give it a try. What have you got to lose? Who knows? You just may end up with a whole new set of beliefs about who you are and what you are capable of.

Fulfillment

Fulfillment. Seems like a simple enough word, wouldn’t you say? But what does fulfillment mean to you? If I asked fifty people that question, I would probably get fifty unique answers. But wait a minute, isn’t fulfillment the same thing for everyone? How can it be that complicated when it’s such a simple concept? Or is it really that simple at all?

Webster’s defines fulfillment this way: The act of fulfilling; accomplishment; completion; as, the fulfillment of prophecy. That sounds pretty bland if you ask me. It also implies on some level that fulfillment is a completion, a destination, a task accomplished. But in the context of a fulfilling life, it’s not that at all. Fulfillment is a journey, not a destination.

We tend to mistakenly interchange the word fulfillment with “happiness.” But really they are mutually exclusive terms. You can be incredibly fulfilled and yet deeply sorrowful at the same time. Of course, you can also be extremely happy, as well. The reason lies in the context of your life at any given moment.

Let me give you an example. One of the most extraordinarily fulfilling moments of my life came at one of the most difficult and grief-stricken times for me. In 1997, my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lymphatic cancer. Little did we realize at the time, but within ten agonizing and fleeting days she would be gone. To this day, I still get emotional when I talk about it because it was such a profoundly sorrowful time in my life. I loved my mother dearly, and she was a light for our family, as well as for anyone she came in contact with over her all-too-short life span. Truthfully, as I type these words, I can feel a warm tear trickling down my cheek. Twelve years have done little to ease the sting of losing her.

I vividly remember sitting there in the ICU, along with my father and my five siblings all keeping vigil around her bed as she slowly, painfully slipped away from us. She was hooked up to all sorts of wires, tubes, and breathing apparatus, as she could no longer breathe on her own. I can’t even put into words what it was like to watch this beautiful, intelligent, warm, loving woman who gave me life, gradually deteriorate as she edged closer to her final breath.

The tears poured freely for all of us, as we sat mostly in stunned silence, already having told the doctors that we did not want them to take any heroic measures should she go into cardiac arrest. She was finished with this fight, and there was no way for her to win now. We only wanted her to finally be at peace, and to be free of pain. We sat around her, all of her children and the man with whom she had spent her last 35 years, clinging to the unrealistic hope that some miracle would occur and she would just magically sit up, smile that beautiful, warm smile of hers, and ask “What’s all the fuss about?” Of course, it was not to be.

I sat there, holding her hand in mine, listening as we all recalled some of our favorite moments and memories of her. She would squeeze our hand from time to time, even though her eyes never opened, and the doctors and nurses assured us it was nothing more than reflexes. We knew better. She could hear us, and at the most appropriate times, she would give an ever-so-slight squeeze to let us know she heard and was laughing along with us.

After some undetermined time, I recall leaning down to her ear. I whispered, “It’s okay to let go, mom. We love you, and we don’t want you to suffer any longer. It’s okay if you’re ready to say goodbye. We’ll take care of each other.”

Now, in terms of emotional pain and anguish, I can tell you I have never in my life felt anything even close to the moment when the line on the EKG went flat. Time stood still, and I felt as though I had been plunged into total darkness and despair. But I will also tell you this – I would never in a million years, for any amount of money, trade that tender moment of my life away. I hold it close in my heart for all time.

Of course, I have also had many, many joyous periods of fulfillment in my life! I recall with tremendous gratitude and pleasure my wedding day, the birth of my children and my grandson, and many other equally ecstatic moments. I just use this one story to illustrate the fact that fulfillment is not about being happy. It’s about being truly engaged in your life and present to the moments that really matter, the ones that you never want to forget. There is a great quote that I have hanging in a frame on the wall of my home and it really captures the essence of what fulfillment is all about. It says, “It’s not the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away.” Simple enough. Fulfillment.

Overcoming Fear

Last week I had the opportunity to appear on Reno’s KTVN Channel 2, on both the 5:00 PM and 5:30 PM Evening News. I was there as part of their long-running Health Watch series, and the topic I discussed was “Strategies for Overcoming Fear and Remaining Positive in Uncertain Times.” Well, I don’t have to tell anyone what a difficult task that can be in these times. We are bombarded every day with more grim news about the economy, mounting job losses, rising foreclosures, and a seemingly continuous stream of related bad news.

It occurred to me when my segment was over, that although I was able to communicate some effective tips and strategies during my two interview segments, there is only so much that I could cover in a total of four minutes on air. So today I am going to expand on this topic and hopefully bring you some useful, relevant tactics for addressing fear in your own life.

First of all, it’s important to understand the basis for fear and how it operates in our lives. Fear is one of our most powerful emotions. It is really the result of thousands of years of evolution of our “fight or flight” instinct. Fear’s main goal is to protect us. That seems obvious enough. If there is something that can harm us in any way, fear is the signal to stand up and take notice – protect yourself or something bad is going to happen. It’s a well-developed and mostly automatic response in humans. And that automatic part is exactly where the problems occur.

Fear can either serve as a catalyst to take action in our lives, or it can serve to keep us right where we are. The difference is our response to each situation. The example I used on air is that of a longtime smoker. One day they wake up and realize that unless they make a change in their lifestyle, they face the very real risk of cancer and maybe even death. Maybe a friend of theirs was diagnosed with cancer, but whatever the reason, in this case it can motivate them to take action to quit smoking.

Another scenario could be someone stuck in a bad relationship or working in an unfulfilling job. We live day to day, making the same mistakes, feeling wholly unfulfilled and empty. Why do we punish ourselves like this? Do we enjoy the pain of living like that? Aren’t we smart enough to see what we’re doing and make the change – find that dream job or that partner who loves and supports us the way we deserve? No, that’s not it at all.

The thing is, we are creatures of certainty. We need to know what will happen, what’s around that next corner. When we don’t, that’s when we can invite fear into the picture. We are very good at writing the story before it happens. Unfortunately, we tend to write a very negative story. Based on what? Mostly on the questions we’re asking ourselves internally – questions we’re probably not even aware we’re asking. “What if I do this and lose my job and everything I have?” “What if my (spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend) leaves me and I never find love again?” We are remarkably good at telling ourselves all the terrible things that can result from us taking action without knowing the outcome beforehand.

The result is that we stay right where we are – stuck in a bad relationship, working in an unfulfilling and thankless job, making the same mistakes over and over in our daily lives. We’re stuck in the proverbial rut. Funny thing is, we don’t even see it for what it is. That’s because we’re in our comfort zone. This is familiar, the place we know. So we stay right here – even though it’s not really comfortable, and it may not even be safe. But it’s what we know; and what’s out there is dangerous, isn’t it?

One of the first things you need to know when dealing with fear is to start asking the right questions. Instead of asking, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” ask yourself “What’s the best thing that can happen?” Do you see the difference in the quality of that question by changing one small word? It may seem like semantics, but remember from a past newsletter how your brain interprets words as programming. When you ask yourself a negative question, your brain begins the process of finding all the evidence it can to support that negative proposition. It will even make things up if it has to. It’s not your brain’s fault. It’s answering the question that you asked. By simply changing the quality of the question to a positive one, you invite the possibility of searching for all the positive outcomes that support this new question. It’s really quite simple – not easy, but simple.

Second, when you experience fear for any reason (other than say, you’re being chased by a big hairy, wild animal – that one is obvious) you should ask yourself “What’s real about this fear?” What do you know to be true? Are you really helpless in this situation or do you have resources, talents, and strengths that can help you to overcome whatever the challenge may be? Recognize that there is evidence all throughout your life of the things you can do and do well. Ask yourself “How can I use these strengths to make a change in my life?” You may be surprised at the answers that your brain gives you to support that question.

Third, it helps to have a very detailed vision of what you want. It’s not enough to say, “I want more money.” If someone walked up to you and gave you a dollar, doesn’t that constitute more money than you had before? Be specific. Clarity adds power to your vision and can help to create the motivation and inspiration you need to take action. How much money? What will it give you when you have that money? How will you know when you’ve reached your goal? Make it real, because your mind will act on that vision and will do what it can to help make that vision a reality.

Next, it is important to create a plan. None of this is going to happen unless you have a detailed road map that will lead you to your goal. What are the skills, education, or experience you need to make this happen? Understand what is required to make this goal real. Also, remember your talents and strengths. How can you use those to help achieve your vision?

As you work your plan, it’s important to take note of the outcomes at each milestone. Ask yourself if your actions are taking you closer to, or further away from, your stated goals. It’s imperative to understand and acknowledge when changes to the plan are needed.

If you find yourself facing an outcome that you didn’t want, and negative thoughts or feelings come creeping back in, then it’s important to recognize them and take note of where they may be coming from. Are you feeling bad because some part of your plan didn’t turn out the way you wanted? Are you feeling like a failure and asking yourself questions such as, “Why can’t I do anything right? Why am I such a failure?” Again, your mind will construct elegantly detailed reasons that support why you are a failure – even if those reasons aren’t true.

Take control of your conscious mind and start asking more resourceful questions such as, “How can I use this outcome to make effective changes to my plan?” or “How can I use this new information to get me closer to what I want?” Your mind will work to find the answers to whatever questions you pose. Make sure you’re asking positive and resourceful questions.

All of these steps require conscious effort and choice in order to take control of your thoughts and attitude. But the bottom line is that you always have a choice. People who feel helpless are riddled with fear. Truth is, you’re never helpless, and never without choices. Don’t give up your control of the one thing you have – your ability to consciously choose your thoughts. Doing these things will not eliminate fear from your life. No one is immune to fear. But they will give you a powerful ally in the battle against fear – a battle that is fought in the landscape between your ears.

Your Life Impact

This past week we experienced what can only be referred to as a shocking turn of events. In the span of two days, we lost three icons of the entertainment world - Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. Most of us knew about Farrah's battle against the disease of cancer, and how she fought so courageously to defeat it. And to some extent, the tragic death of Ed McMahon can be understood on some level. He was 86 years old and had battled many health ailments over the last few years, and those were almost certainly exacerbated by the continuing stress he was experiencing with the decline of his personal finances. And then the news about Michael Jackson came across the wires, and the nation - and the world, really - was in a collective state of shock.

When we experience the loss of someone close to us, the grief can be overwhelming and it can trigger multiple emotions on a variety of levels - the effects of which can be profound. But there is also something that happens to us collectively when we experience the loss of someone we came to know maybe not on a personal level, but certainly through our interactions with them or their characters or their persona on the larger stage of life. We tend to see them in many ways as impenetrable, maybe even in some strange way as being above the fate that awaits all of us. Without being morose, the inescapable fact is that we will all die someday. It's just shocking to us when someone "like that" dies.

Over the past week, much has been written and said about these three giants of entertainment. Some of it not so kind, much of it speculative and maybe even judgmental. Today I am going to choose to view this from a different perspective. I believe that these peoples' lives are to be celebrated, if for nothing else than the tremendous impact they had on the lives of millions of us around the world. These three people were much more than the way that most of us saw them - as entertainers. Certainly that was one part of their persona, but they like us, existed on multiple levels and had many facets to their lives. They were much more than simply celebrities. They were a part of our lives in some small way.

They were somebody's children; they were parent, spouse, friend, philanthropist, actor, actress, singer, songwriter, dancer... and the list goes on. It's important to remember that there was more to them than the way they were presented to us in the media and on stage. They were human beings.

And what these three human beings did with their lives was nothing short of extraordinary. They touched the lives of millions of people around the world through the use of their gifts and talents. They brought laughter, joy, the gift of music and dancing, comedy and drama to millions of admirers and fans. The reactions to their deaths the world over is proof enough of that.

It serves to drive home a very relevant point to all of this. You too, are having an impact on the lives of the people and the world around you. It may not be on the same level of the three people we mourn today, but does it really have to be in order to be celebrated? Absolutely not.

Think about all the people you come in contact with every day. It could be a spouse, children, friends, coworkers, community, etc. When you interact with them, in whatever fashion, it creates an impact. The quality of that experience and its impact is entirely up to you to determine through the way you show up for those people.

You also have many facets to your life and your persona. You are son or daughter, spouse, parent, friend, coworker, coach, preacher, and many other possibilities. How you choose to be when functioning in any of those roles will create a lasting impression on the people in your life. And you can't downplay the significance of that fact. You may not be on a stage, a movie screen, or TV, but that makes what you do even more important. This is real life. This is what you and the people in your life will remember when all is said and done. Because in the end, we don't lie on our death beds saying "That (TV show, or movie, or song, or star) had such an impact on my life." No, in the end it is much more real than that.

What impact will you choose to have as you go forward in your life? The choice is entirely up to you.

The Inner Critic

We all have it – that little voice inside our heads. You know the one. It’s that voice that tells you all the things can’t do. It’s the voice that stops you from moving forward or going for some goal in your life that you are passionate about. It’s the voice that threatens to keep you boxed in, stagnant, or living in fear of what is “out there” if you should dare to venture out. It’s a voice I’ve come to know all too well in my own life.

How many times in your life have you had your sights set on some goal – be it a promotion, a new relationship, a new career, going back to school, or some other objective – and then just as you find yourself ready to take action you freeze. What if I can’t do this? What if I get fired? What if I lose my house, car, etc. because I can’t earn enough money? What if this person doesn’t love me? What if I’m not good enough? Sometimes they are not in the form of questions, but rather in that damning voice that tells you straight out that you’re not enough.

Unless you are aware of where these questions or statements are coming from, you may think it’s the voice of reason in your own head. It’s there to protect you from getting hurt or from overextending yourself. But the truth of the matter is that the voice in your head is nothing more than your own personal saboteur. By all outward appearances it is there to protect you. But it’s real mission is much more sinister.

The inner critic is there to keep you right where you are. It’s there to maintain the status quo, keep things right here because this is the place we know. And even though this place may not be comfortable, might not be where you want to be – hell, it may not even be safe – that voice tells you that you have no idea what is out there should you make a change.

And that’s not the only place it comes out. What happens when you make a mistake? Do you hear a litany of condemning remarks in your head? If you’re like most people, the answer is a resounding “Yes!” And here’s the part that is most puzzling – the things you tell yourself in your own head are typically things you would never let another person say to you!

What is that all about? Moreover, what can you do to silence that inner critic? Well, there is good news and bad news. First, the bad news – you can’t entirely silence it. That inner critic is always there, the saboteur waiting in the wings for you to make a mistake or to do something to change the status quo.

The good news is that you don’t have to listen to it. At least, not in the way that you may have been for so many years. You have options. One of your first and most effective weapons against this insidious voice is to be aware of it. That’s right, you have to recognize it when it rears its ugly, horned, vile head. What does that do? First of all it gives you some power over it. If you can become more conscious to the presence of the saboteur, it can help to ease the intensity of the attacks when they do come.

Another strategy that helps is to know the truth. What does that mean? There is objective data that has been collected all throughout your life of who you are, what you are capable of, your strengths, talents, and accomplishments. Make a list of all the things you’ve accomplished, your successes, and all the strengths that helped you achieve those things. If you’re really such a loser, as the saboteur would have you believe, how could you have done all the things you’ve done in your life?

Next, learn how to “tweak” the language of your inner critic. When it tells you that you’ve just failed miserably on a task that didn’t go well, then change that to “Things definitely didn’t go as planned here, but I sure did learn a lot.” That may sound like playing with semantics, and on some level it is. But think about it this way. Your brain is an amazing supercomputer, and just like any other computer it functions only when there is input. The quality of that input will be a huge determinant in the quality of the output. Change your language, and you are literally changing the programming that is going into your brain. Now that is power!

Finally, it’s important to understand that this saboteur only has as much power and control over you as you choose to give it. That doesn’t mean that you should get into a battle with it, however. The inner critic knows you, knows your weaknesses and access points – it is you, after all – so that is worthless as a strategy. Rather, the way to deal more effectively with it is to ask yourself a couple of questions. What do I know to be true about (this situation, about me, about my talents)? How can I use what this inner critic is telling me to learn from this outcome? Is this even something worth being upset or angry about?

Questions such as these can change your perspective and your focus from what your inner critic is telling you that you did wrong to creative ways to learn and grow from the experience. Your ability to elevate your thoughts from that place of self-condemnation to a place of self-discovery can be incredibly liberating and can alleviate stress from your life in profound ways. The key to this, like anything else, is to practice. Know that the inner critic will be there, and work on your strategies for dealing with it. The more you play with your options, the better you will become at taking back control of your conscious thoughts, and limiting the effects of the inner critic. It is, after all, about the choices you make.

Automatic or Manual?

What do you think of when you see this question above? Do you think of a car, and view it from the perspective of whether you want an automatic or a manual transmission? If so, then what are the reasons you would want one or the other? Some people love the ability to really control their car – deciding when to shift, how fast to go in each gear before moving up to the next, hearing the hum of the engine and maybe waiting until it builds to a crescendo before shifting. They love the freedom of being able to upshift or downshift as the situation requires, literally feeling as though they are one with the car as it winds its way to its destination.

For others, they prefer the predictability of the automatic transmission. They know that as they pick up speed, the car will automatically sense the strain on the engine and will adjust the gears accordingly. No work to it – they don’t even have to think about it. Let the car do what it does best, and I can just control the speed and direction.

What about your life? Have you ever considered whether you are in automatic or manual mode in your own life? It may sound funny, but think about it for a minute. I’ll bet if you spend a few minutes thinking about some of the common, recurring events in your life, and your responses to those events, you may discover that you are indeed in automatic mode. You react the same way to the same stimulus every time, without deviation.

Sounds a bit like giving up control of our own lives, doesn’t it? And yet so many do just that on a continuous basis. In effect we give up control of our responses to situations and literally react automatically, as we have done in the past, living from our history and experiences with these situations without even considering for a moment whether our response is appropriate, resourceful, or even representative of who we are.

So what can we do to reclaim control of our lives? Well, the first thing we must do is to be aware. How often have you reacted to a situation and then almost immediately afterward ask yourself “What was that about?” or “Why did I react like that?” You know intrinsically that your reaction was not the best one. The key is to be aware before we respond!

The only way we can do that is to be “in the moment.” For many, this is as foreign to them as speaking Chinese or Latin. We are so focused as a society on the next thing, the next meeting, the next event, that we fail to recognize what is right in front of us or what is happening at this moment. (Are you actually taking in these words as you read this or are you thinking about the next email you have to read, or the next chore you have to do?)

We are constantly looking to what’s next, what we have to do. The truth is there is always more to do! I often have this conversation with my coaching clients. The truth of the matter is that we are called “human beings” not “human doings.” There is a gift in the ability to just be present to what’s here with us at any given moment. Now, I am not saying that you can’t or won’t or shouldn’t think about other important or pressing matters, but if all you ever do is think of what’s coming next you will certainly miss what is right in front of you!

So, how can you learn to be present? Well, just like exercising any other muscle, it takes effort and discipline and focus. But, also like exercising any other muscle, in time it becomes stronger, more developed, and more “automatic,” if you will. Start with something simple. Go to the park. Sit and watch. What’s here? Are there children playing and laughing? You don’t see them on the swing saying to their friend “You know, Johnny, this is fun, but I really must be getting on to my play date with Jack. Besides, we’re going to play Nintendo and I’ve got that big presentation to give at preschool tomorrow.” Now, that may be a bit absurd, but it does make the point.

Just watch. Listen to the birds singing. What other sounds do you notice? Are there dogs playing in the grass? See how much fun they’re having. They are unconcerned with anything other than what’s right in front of them. Simply notice, take everything in without judgment, or wondering why, or even without thinking. Just feel and allow yourself to be open to whatever is there.

This is what it is to be truly in the moment. When we open ourselves to the wonder of the present, it can be surprising! We suddenly notice things that we may have taken for granted, only because we had never taken the time to really pay attention. We experience our lives on a much deeper level. We give ourselves permission to live purposefully. And we go from automatic to manual.

Fear or Faith?

It’s very popular today to latch onto the notion that life is nothing but a struggle, times are beyond tough, and there is no hope in sight. Just watch the nightly news or read the papers and you’ll see the signs everywhere. Massive job losses. Rising foreclosures. Companies going out of business. Banks failing. We are being bombarded with these images of doom and gloom and there is seemingly no hope and no escape.

But what is true? I certainly do not mean to minimize in any way the real pain and struggle that is out there today. People are having to do more with less and learn to live in ways that just a few months ago would have seemed otherworldly and completely unrealistic. Times are indeed very tough for many of us.

But is that really all there is? Aren’t there any signs that things can and will get better? Is there nothing good or positive happening out there today? It depends on what you choose to focus on. That’s right – the notion of whether things will ever improve is very much dependent on what we choose to consciously pay attention to and give power over our conscious thoughts.

There is a great truth that you cannot get what you really want if all you ever think about is what you don’t want. It’s critically important to remember that we get whatever it is that we focus on in life. So, if all you ever think about is what you don’t want… guess what you are creating in your life?

The human brain is an amazing and powerful super-computer. It is far more advanced than anything science can devise. And yet, there are some things about our brains that seem almost counterintuitive. For example, were you aware that the human brain at its core does not know the difference between a highly detailed and descriptive thought or fantasy and reality? It’s true.

And beyond that, here is the real kicker – whatever the mind sees as being “true”, it will do everything it can to create that same picture in reality. Wow, that can seem like a very foreign concept to many people. But the fact remains that it has been proven out in multiple studies performed on many of society’s highest achievers. They link much of their ability to achieve success to their focus on highly detailed and well thought out goals, plans, or even dreams. They “see” it in their minds as already having been achieved, and then they work to make it reality.

Don’t get me wrong here. I am not saying that you can just “think away” your challenges or troubles. But what I am saying is that you have the ultimate control over where you go from here. That is, if you have the determination, clarity, and focus to create a compelling, detailed, and very specific picture of what you want.

For example, if you want a new car, do you just think to yourself “Hmm, I think I’d like a new car. I’ll go visit my local dealer and buy one.”? Or do you think, “I want a Honda Accord LX, with tan leather interior, navigation system, 6 disc CD changer, chrome wheels, sunroof, … etc.” Do you see the difference in the quality of those two scenarios? Both may end up getting you a new car, but only one will get you the car that you really want. Clarity provides power.

The point of all this is nothing more than to help you realize that in the journey of your life, you truly have the control to get you where you want to go. The key is in your ability to decide with complete clarity what it is that you want, create that compelling vision in your mind, be specific and detailed, see it as already having been achieved, and then create the steps to bring it to reality.

I guess you could say in the end that it’s really a matter of faith. The choice is yours. Which do you want to live in – fear or faith?

What’s Holding You Back?

Not long ago, I went through an exercise that was for me nothing short of excruciating. For anyone who is a “collector” of items from your past, this may resonate with you more than others. For those of you who are not collectors, well, read on anyway because there may still be learning in this message.

I had decided at some point in time – I’m not really sure what brought this on – that it was time for me to go through some of the “clutter” in my life. You know, those things that are hanging around and taking up space for no apparent reason other than the fact that I hadn’t taken the time to look through them and throw some things away. Make space. I knew it was time, so let’s have at it!

I pulled out the boxes, many of them having lain undisturbed for several years. I carefully brushed off the dust that had collected on them and opened them to survey their precious contents. To the casual observer, most of what I saw would be considered nothing more than so much junk. But to me, these were the treasures of my past. These “things” were at first glance as inseparable from me as my own heart.

Then, as I looked at all these items that I had collected over the years, something began to happen. One by one, I began to take these various objects out, holding them up to the light, and as I did I was almost magically transported back to the moment in time when I had first received them. The memories began to flood back, rapid fire, automatic, seemingly uncontrollable on my part.

I felt things I hadn’t felt in years, remembering events as clearly as if they had just happened yesterday. I could literally touch these memories, feel the same feelings, see the same sights, and even smell the same fragrances. What was going on? Aren’t these just things? How is it possible that after all these years I can reconnect so powerfully with people, places, and events that I had not thought of in some cases for decades?

Our minds are incredibly complex, mystifyingly beautiful, and altogether irritating. To those familiar with the way our minds work, you know what was happening. These things that had sat dormant, locked in boxes like so many discarded memories, are anything but that. They are anchors. My mind had created a powerful connection to these items at the time that I had received them, so much so that all it took was for me to take them out, look at them, hold them and instantly I was transported back to those moments in my life.

The connections were still there, many as strong as ever. Some, painfully so. I realized as I continued to work my way through this collection of oddities and mementos, that some of the memories associated with them were not so pleasant. At one point, I felt the warm trail of a tear tracing its way down my cheek, as I seemed to become immersed in a particularly painful memory. The salty taste of that tear on my tongue left me with a sadness that I had not connected with for many years.

I looked at old pictures of friends now either gone from this earth, or at least gone from my life. I recalled the parties, concerts, and other events that we engaged in with a mixture of both joy and sadness. Joy for the wonderful people I have been blessed with in my life, and sadness for those who are gone or for those with whom I have lost touch for one reason or another.

Just the mere thought of discarding any of these precious treasures was foreign to me. It would be like cutting out a piece of my own heart, disposing of those memories and those people as though none of it had ever happened. Then I began to wonder, am I collecting these things or are they collecting me?

What was I holding on to so tightly that I couldn’t let go? And more importantly, how did some of these things serve me in my life today? Are they relevant any more? I know that all of those events, good bad or otherwise, had shaped who I am today in some fashion or another. But why was I holding on so fiercely to the past? Is that who I am today?

The answer of course is a resounding “NO.” I am not my past. As I recalled the pain and anguish of some of those memories, I realized that I am in many ways tied inextricably to those events. They have a place in my memory, and in my heart. But they are not ME, not who I am today.

What are you holding on to so tightly that you can’t break free? Maybe you are stuck in that mindset of working for a paycheck, rather than doing what inspires you and fulfills you. Maybe you have given up on your dreams of becoming whatever it was that you told yourself you would be “when you grow up.” Or you could be telling yourself “I’ll be happy when…” – when the kids grow up, when your job magically becomes more fulfilling, when you get out of debt – it could be anything. How does that serve you as you strive to live a fulfilling and resonant life? What is your justification for surviving rather than truly living?

You only have one life. That much is certain. You have memories, history, and events from your past that have shaped your life. But make no mistake; those things are not who you are. Let go of the past, of the self-limiting beliefs that have not served you in your quest to become the best possible you. Embrace the possibilities of today, and the promise of tomorrow, and do not remain anchored to the past.

What’s holding you back?

The Art of Optimism

I am always amazed at the willingness of people to abandon their optimism based on what others tell them is or isn’t happening in our world. That is certainly not denying the existence of real pain in our world – it’s in our faces every day now. The economy is failing, jobs are being lost at record-breaking levels and with a speed we have not seen before, homes are in foreclosure, and people are losing hope.

But I am also wondering what the truth is about us… Who are we, and what are we capable of in these most trying times? This is not the first time our country has struggled with difficult times. We, as a nation, have always dug deep and pulled together to regroup, rebuild, and overcome.

How resourceful are you when you give up hope? I’m curious about how optimism, or the lack thereof, impacts the lives and decisions of the people we know – and us. The art of optimism is not to be discounted. Art, you say? Absolutely. It’s about designing your life in a way that brings you closer to your best. It’s about being aware of your thoughts and not giving up your power to choose.

What will you do today to raise your level of awareness of how you are choosing to react to the world around you? It’s true that the only meaning any event has is that which you assign to it. That gives you all the power to choose, to decide how you will show up and how your world will look. It doesn’t discount or ignore that things are not as good as they can be. What it does is gives you a more resourceful place to plan from. The key is the choices that you make; those you make today and every day.

What is your perspective?

This is from an e-Newsletter published on 2/13/09

This past week was one of stark contrasts for me. Last Thursday a dear friend of mine lost his long battle with cancer, succumbing to the effects of this ravaging disease. Then, on Sunday afternoon my oldest daughter gave birth to her first child – my first grandchild! I know it’s a cliché to speak of the circle of life in situations like this, but these two events – on opposite ends of the spectrum – gave me cause to stop and take inventory of my own life and my own perspectives.

I could tell you all the things about him that most people would ask about my friend – where he went to school, what he did for a living, where he grew up, and so on. But are those things the measure of a life well lived? Not from my perspective.

As I reflected on the life of my friend I remembered him to be kind, funny, warm and endearing, and a gifted conversationalist. He was the kind of man who made anyone with him feel as though they were special and that what they had to say was important. Now I will also say that he had a biting and sarcastic sense of humor, but that was reserved for those whom he knew could “take it” and would not be offended; as it certainly was never his intention to offend. I can remember many times walking past his office and just popping my head in to say hello, and then 30 minutes later wondering where the time had gone! That was his gift, and he relished sharing it.

Some see death as an end. It is a time of sorrow and loss. It is a time to weep and to mourn the life that has left us. We are diminished by this person’s absence, and our lives will never be the same. Others see death as a beginning. They are in a better place, where there is no suffering, no pain, and no sorrow. We are more because this person was a part of our lives. It all depends on your perspective.

I wondered to myself how I would be remembered by those whose lives I have touched. I think it only natural to reflect on our own life as we remember those who have gone before us. Did I reach out to others in their time of need? Was I a good husband and father? What about a good friend? Did I show kindness and compassion to children – especially my own? Was I the man my mother hoped I would grow to be? Will it even matter that I was ever here on this earth?

Later that weekend, as I held my precious grandson in my arms for the first time, I again was flooded with thoughts about my life. What kind of grandfather will I be? Will he look up to me? How can I share all that I’ve learned with him as he grows from baby to boy to a man? Will I even see all of that? Nothing is certain.

Then it occurred to me. Nothing matters more than this moment. As I held this perfect little life in my arms, searching his tiny face, admiring every minute detail, I felt the incredible love welling up inside of me, and I knew that nothing could make that moment any better. His life will unfold as it is meant to, and my thinking ahead and wishing will not change any of that. I will certainly play a role in his life, but what that role is will be determined in time.

What will you do today to make sure that you are living the life you were meant to live – the life you are capable of? How will you live so that you honor the person that you are? Your life is filled with endless choices and possibilities; from what to eat for breakfast to what movie to see this weekend to whether or not to refinance your home mortgage. Life is a series of endless choices, and all of them are yours to make.

What will you do with those choices as you seek to live a life that matters? The choice is yours. If it’s true that nothing in life is guaranteed, then we owe it to ourselves to make every moment count. We all have our own definition of what it means to live a good life, a strong life, a life that matters. So, what’s your perspective?